Look for the Best By Date on your Story
I have an ex-partner that hurt me very badly. We had a difficult relationship for nearly 10 years and when it was over, I never wanted to see him again.
Unfortunately, we share custody of our son, who was four at the time of our split and is twelve now. So, I had to see my ex. I had to see him at least once a week or so.
The story that I’ve told myself for years is that he’s a control freak, a misogynist, a mess. That’s certainly what he was when we split up.
I’ve never said that out loud to my kid, but little pitchers have big ears, so he had to know.
So, recently, I brought this up to our family therapist. I said, “Look, when I was with him, this happened, and this happened, and here’s all the big and little ways that he reinforced his status as biggest dick in Portland.”
And she said, “Okay, what has he done in the last eight years?”
Yeah, I had nothing. Literally, could not think of one thing that was really obviously a problem. He’s polite. He’s not too weird. He mostly listens.
My story was not true anymore. For all the problems we had, we don’t have those problems as parents. I could put that story down.
And when I did, something cool happened.
I started being nicer, not worrying so much about keeping myself safe.
And then we became co-parents. Instead of two people parenting separately, we’ve started parenting together better.
And our kid is breathing easier. There’s something just a little lighter about how he carries himself.
Check the best by date on your stories. You may find that they are out of date.
