Narrative Actualization » Your Story

Putting the Pixels Together

melissalion — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 18:22:00 +0000

I mentioned my mentor before. She’s the one who said that saying no is the most beneficial thing you can do for your professional life. She also told me that as I take each new job, I’m adding pixels to the big picture of my career and one day, I’ll pull up and see the pixels for what they are — the thing I’m supposed to be doing with my life.

I’ve been a bartender, publicist for a circus, a published novelist, a bookseller, a college professor, a reading teacher, a blogger, book reviewer, event coordinator, teacher, barista, I even worked in a deli for one day. My favorite job was bookseller. Oh how I loved being around books and meeting people who loved books and sharing books with others. It was really wonderful.

At one point in my life, I’d have a job and think THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE. Suffocation and panic ensued. I’d usually quit right about then.

And then I started seeing the skills I was learning were just pixels. They were just adding to the bigger picture.

In the past putting together a resume would be a daunting task. I’d feel small and inexperienced. This time, I saw all the pixels come together and realized I had a skill set unlike anyone else.

In my first interview, the woman looked at my resume and said, “You’re a triple threat. Very unique.” They called with a job before I was even home from the interview.

Pixels are simply details. They make up the bigger story. What details are you adding to your story? Which ones could be edited out?

Look for the Best By Date on your Story

bridget_pilloud — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 00:39:13 +0000

I have an ex-partner that hurt me very badly. We had a difficult relationship for nearly 10 years and when it was over, I never wanted to see him again.

Unfortunately, we share custody of our son, who was four at the time of our split and is twelve now. So, I had to see my ex. I had to see him at least once a week or so.

The story that I’ve told myself for years is that he’s a control freak, a misogynist, a mess. That’s certainly what he was when we split up.

I’ve never said that out loud to my kid, but little pitchers have big ears, so he had to know.

So, recently, I brought this up to our family therapist. I said, “Look, when I was with him, this happened, and this happened, and here’s all the big and little ways that he reinforced his status as biggest dick in Portland.”

And she said, “Okay, what has he done in the last eight years?”

Yeah, I had nothing. Literally, could not think of one thing that was really obviously a problem. He’s polite. He’s not too weird. He mostly listens.

My story was not true anymore. For all the problems we had, we don’t have those problems as parents. I could put that story down.

And when I did, something cool happened.

I started being nicer, not worrying so much about keeping myself safe.

And then we became co-parents. Instead of two people parenting separately, we’ve started parenting together better.

And our kid is breathing easier. There’s something just a little lighter about how he carries himself.

Check the best by date on your stories. You may find that they are out of date.

Just Say No

melissalion — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:16:49 +0000

I have a writing mentor. She’s a dear friend of mine and the most successful writer I know. She’s written for all of the major newspapers, a gigantic blog, books, taught classes, etc. And when I decided to be a writer full time, she told me not only to do it, but how precisely to go about it.

I do what she says and watch her closely. I imitate the things she does.

One day she told me she said no to a huge newspaper. Just like that. They offered her an assignment and she said no.

They offered her another assignment and she said no.

And again and again and again.

I was pretty astonished. She told me that saying no is the best thing you can do for your career. I didn’t believe her. As an up-and-coming writer, I thought I should say yes and yes and yes. So I said yes to assignments that were painful to write, to editors who actually changed facts in my stories to make it better. I said yes to things I’m embarrassed to link to and things that felt like my soul was being sucked out of my nose.

I said yes to free work and work that promised payment and never came through.

Gradually, I transition out of being a full-time freelance writer and into an instructor and consultant. I didn’t pitch as much to editors and instead worked with companies. Still saying yes to everything.

As that transition happened, I became a single mom and money became tight. I thought I had to say yes to everything. If I didn’t, I’d be screwed financially. And my ego would be bruised because I wasn’t as busy as everyone else claimed to be.

Believe me, I live in Portland. People here love to talk about how busy they are. I think people here might be telling fibs about how busy they always are, but that’s neither here nor there.

Recently a new work opportunity presented itself and I was fully qualified to do the work. It was work I’d done for years. But I looked at my work story. The one about my work now that I revised into the story about the work I want to be doing. I looked and it didn’t match. Yes, I’d done the work before. Yes it would be easy money. But it wasn’t right.

So I said no.

I was honest. I said I wasn’t the right person to do it, though on paper, I was.

It was scary saying no like that, but I did it.

And about thirty seconds later an email arrived asking for an estimate on work I really want to be doing. I gave the estimate and just like that I got an assignment for the same amount of money but doing the work I want to be doing.

My friend and mentor said, “One of the most powerful things is saying no when the work is wrong. The universe loves this and sends you a big wet kiss.”

So say no to something today that isn’t right. Something that’s not part of the story you want to have. My mentor also says, “The universe abhors a vacuum.” What will arrive in its place?

Dealing with the Doubts, Pt. 2

bridget_pilloud — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:43:40 +0000

Melissa wrote about Dealing with the Doubts in writing. I’m here to write about Dealing with the Doubts in life.

Doubt keeps us safe. Doubt keeps us safe in our little boxes. With a little box to stay in, we are safe. We may be bored, or poor in spirit, but you know, this body doesn’t run the risk of being eaten by saber tooths or accidently eating a plant that kills us, or getting a melanoma.

We won’t get our hearts broke. We may not feel our hearts soar, but at least they won’t be broke.

The Greatest Doubters

The greatest doubters are those who have been hurt by not doubting before. Or those raised by those who have been hurt by not doubting before.

Another great category of doubters-> Norwegian-Americans. I know, because I come from a long line of people who say, “Careful what you wish for.”

The Safety Check

Doubt is simply a safety check, and in its own way, not a bad thing, unless you never move past it.

So when you feel doubt (as I do, as we all do), it’s not the end of the world. it is something to consider. It is something to look at, and then it is something to move past.

And as Melissa said, sharing your doubt is a great idea, because caring people can help you put that doubt in perspective. They can map it in the “Grand Scheme of Things”.

Clicking your heels together and other lies

bridget_pilloud — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:54:14 +0000

There’s no place like home.
Click-Click.

Remember, when Dorothy experienced that. It was in her all along. She didn’t have to go through all that work.

OZ never gave nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn’t, didn’t already have?

Why wasn’t there a sign at the beginning of her journey? Why did she have to go on that long road?

The story would have been really short if she had actually clicked those heels together.

I think it’s a lie.

And so is the lie of Visualization. The lie of “Just Imagine it and it will come true.”

Kathleen asked-

“So this (narrative actualization) is the old “visualize yourself with what you want” deal? Because that never works for me.”

No. It’s not that. Because if that worked, I’d be driving a 1980’s mazarati and smooching Brad Pitt. I’ve been there in my head. It’s felt very real.

But that’s not real. Visualization is not real.

Imagination is the first step. Many people stop there, thinking that’s all there is to it. And then they’re disappointed when things don’t work out.

Actualization is really a 3-step process.
1. Understanding where you are now.
2. Understanding where you want to be.
3. Removing the feelings and beliefs that are stopping that from happening.

When you are really ready, when you are not stopping yourself, things align. There is an energetic, woo-woo aspect to this.

Now, having said that, it takes effort to get there sometimes. We stand in our own way a lot, by not getting clear on what we want, and not coming to peace with what’s bothering us about our current life (and also, not feeling gratitude for what’s happening in our current life).

We also stand in our way by not exploring our latent fears about the new story. Writing it out enables us to identify what we’re feeling when we’re really visualizing the new story.

Sometimes those feelings are fear and dread. The new life can be overwhelming. As long as the fear and dread is there, the new story can’t be enacted. Even if we want it a lot. Because we haven’t clarified how we can have the new life in a way that is relatively comfortable for us.

So, it’s the clarification of our story that brings us the inspired thoughts that help us enact our story.

It’s not, “I’m going to imagine myself in a large, suede bean bag with Brad Pitt and a bowl of popcorn, and he’s telling me how sexy he finds zaftig women.”

It’s, “I’m going to become very clear on what I want for my life, and then when I’m comfortable with the idea of the new parts, I’m going to work with this universe to enact it.”

I hope this makes sense?

I think we’re getting closer.

A sample quick story/story

bridget_pilloud — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:42:25 +0000

This is what we mean by Narrative Actualization

Current Story-
Setting- World Cup Coffee Shop
Plot- One hour between meetings
Dialogue- Internal

My last copywriting client is a really nice person. His work is good work. The company is a great company.
But, my heart isn’t in copywriting any more. It’s copy-writhing! It just feels painful to put one word in front of another! It’s like painting a wall the same color white over and over again.

Also, I feel like I’m not giving the best service to my client anymore.

The money is nice. I am attracting decent clients. Good People. It’s just not as many people attracting to the work that I love to do: the work that really helps people.
_________________________________________________________________________

New Story
Setting- World Cup Coffee House
Plot- New list of clients
Dialogue- Internal

It feels good to have a nice list of intuitive clients. I’m helping people live in engaged and brilliant ways. People are changing and I’m making a real living doing my intuitive work. I’m getting compensated for providing work that I love doing. It’s not always easy, but it is nearly always good. I’m bringing my full heart to it. MY FULL HEART.

And the money is flowing in. Beautifully.

________________________________________________________________________________________

Reflection
I feel a little fear in my heart as I think about giving my full heart to intuitive work.

What if I am overwhelmed?

What if I burn out?

I need to feel the feeling of things happening in good time, things happening in an orderly way, me having the ability to control the flow in my life. Ah, That’s better!

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Post-Script
While I was writing this story, in the time it took me to write it, I had two clients sign up and pay for my intuitive services. Things move so fast!

What a Total Nightmare

melissalion — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:02:59 +0000

Last night, before bed, I was reading the New Yorker. I recently renewed my long-lapsed subscription after realizing that not having television, combined with working from home might have made me a little detatched from the bigger picture.

I also know I shouldn’t read the New Yorker before bed, because the bigger picture is stressful and scary sometimes. But lying in my bed is the only time I get peace and quiet.

So there I was, reading “Nightmare Scenario” by Margaret Talbot.

The story is about the new research and treatment of nightmares. Doctors are treating patients with nightmares with a technique called imagery-rehearsal therapy.

Here’s how it works:

The women in this group wrote down one of their disturbing dreams and were instructed to change it in any way they wished. They then wrote down the new version in full, and were asked to spend between five and twenty minutes a day conjuring the revised dream…

Those who had completed the imagery-rehearsal were having significantly fewer disturbing dreams.

– From The New Yorker, “Nightmare Scenario” by Margaret Talbot

As I lay there in bed I thought, Huh. Sounds a whole lot like Narrative Actualization to me.

Change your story and transform those waking-life nightmares into dreams!

Little Stories make Good Little Changes

bridget_pilloud — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:49:17 +0000

I use the “F” word sparingly. But I use it. And I’d like to use it to describe my former cell phone.
It’s called “My fucking former cell phone.”
It stopped recognizing that my fingers were punching buttons. It would occasionally recognize it. My phone had dementia.
It was frustrating me.
So, I imagined myself with a new phone. What would it feel like to have a phone that worked?
I had to borrow my friend Chris’s phone. His is a simple Nokia with push buttons that always work. It’s a solid sturdy little fellow. I love it.

I thought, I could use a phone like this.
I wrote a little note. I want a phone that works that’s simple with buttons.
And 2 days later, my kid said, You need a phone? My dad got a new one and he doesn’t need his old one.

And guess what? It’s the exact same model as my friend’s. And it works.

That’s how powerful and exact your new story can be.

You may be wondering, Why didn’t Bridget write a story about a fancy phone?

I thought about that. I’m a little scared of integrating another source of information into my life. If I can twitter and email and surf the web all of the time, well, when would I talk with my family?

The little, perfect, sturdy fellow suffices.

Writing your Story now, as it is…

bridget_pilloud — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:01:53 +0000

Why is it important to write your story as it is now? Why is it important to document the river you now stand in?

This is a good question. So many of us, when we decide that we want to change, we want TO CHANGE. We want to GET GOING.

So why document?

There’s great value in the life you have now. Whatever it is. There’s value there. To feel that value, to know it, to express gratitude for it, that helps set the intention for the new story that you’re writing.

Nobody writes a completely different story than the one they are currently living. The source of your river is what it is, and we can’t change that.

But! there is enough, in anyone’s life, to move forward into a new story. By understanding and seeing what you value today, you build the foundation for the story you’ll live tomorrow.

Narrative Actualization

bridget_pilloud — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:46:15 +0000

With Narrative Actualization, you take the reins in your life.

We teach a 3-step process:

1) Writing your story as it is now.

A story relies on narrative elements (setting, point of view, character, dialog, plot) to create a realistic, truthful atmosphere. Focusing on five smaller elements is far less intimidating than trying to capture the whole story.

By mindfully crafting the five elements of narrative, a complete story emerges.

We help you reflect on each element of your story, looking at your setting, how you view yourself in your story, the characters that populate your life, the conversations you have, and the various aspects that make up your plot.

2) Rewriting your story the way you want it to be.

Then you re-vision your story. Re-visioning is looking at the story with new eyes and removing details that aren’t part of the story you’d like to tell. It’s replacing those details with healthy, vibrant parts that capture the life you want to live.

Re-visioning is intimidating, but taking it element-by-element, detail-by-detail eases the experience and makes a compelling, true story. When you re-vision in a safe environment with understanding people, you create lasting change in your life.

3) Moving into your new story.

We like to use the analogy of the river. Your story is a river. You can’t control everything that goes into your river, but you can be your river’s steward.

This is true with your story. You can’t control who your parents were. You can’t control your DNA. Everything else is fair game.

Once you’ve identified your new story, it’s time to start moving into it. Some of this movement is tangible. Some of it is intangible.

Narrative actualization uses tools to help you move into your story. These include Feeling your Way, Inspired Thought, Tracking Progress and Reassessing.

Narrative actualization is a simple, powerful approach to changing your life. You have the ability already, the Center for Narrative Actualization teaches you how to make lasting change in a comfortable, creative way.

Remember, you don’t get to the final edit until you leave this Earth. So make the most of your story today!